I got some great news today- according to the final pathology my cancer is papillary and completely confined to the thyroid in a capsule- no lymph node involvement! Now I am just awaiting RAI. I was hoping to do it 6 weeks after treatment, but it will probably be pushed back to 3 months after treatment because I had a CT scan July 31st when they were trying to diagnose me. The iodine used in the CT dye will compete with the RAI therefore making it less effective. I am a little bit disappointed because I just want to get on with my life already!

The hardest thing about this year even before I got cancer has been not feeling like I am able to give 100% as a mommy. From March until I delivered Daniel I was too huge, tired, and pregnant to take care of Ethan all on my own. I couldn’t pick him up on my own anymore and that is hard to explain to an 18 month old. Then in June I had my umbilical hernia from the pregnancy repaired and that was another 6 weeks of being unable to life more than 10 lbs.  Recovering from surgery is NOT easy with a nursing newborn and a toddler. Of course the final straw is the thyroid cancer/thyroidectomy. I had to wean Daniel which was traumatic, and I am once again unable to pick up Ethan.  However I am trying to look on the positive side because at least I am *here* to be their mommy.  They motivate me to do everything in my power to stay healthy and active.

I am also slowly coming to grips with the uncertainty of the time I have left. With any luck this will be my last major complication from cancer. I know enough not to ask “why me?”, because the answer is really “why not me?”.  No one is given a guarantee of an easy trouble free life but it still feels grossly unfair that I have to go through this AGAIN. After 12 years I was starting to be lulled into the thought that that awful chapter of my life was really over for good. I am at much higher risk for even more cancers than the ordinary person. It’s hard for me to turn the thought process off in my head of agonizing over every worst case scenario, but it’s something I have to do.  If I cry every day over what might happen and then it does, I will have wasted what precious little time I had left being bitter. However there is also the possibility that it really might turn out ok, in which case being fearful and miserable for the next 45 -55 years would be pointless!

I had my worst night day day before surgery. At that point I didn’t know if I also had an adrenal cancer. I have never felt so sad, frightened, and alone in my life. I cried and cried because I was also told if I had concurrent adrenal cancer than there was a good chance I had a rare syndrome that would cause multiple cancers and would most likely be passed on to my kids. That thought hurt even more. I ended up telling the doctors before surgery not to tell me until it was over because I couldn’t deal with the thought of going into a 5 hour delicate surgery thinking I might die. I cried afterwards when they told me it was benign. With the help of my family and friends I am slowly beginning to see the sun on the other side of the clouds again. I am now a two time cancer survivor and an even stronger person. This is not easy but it is my life, and I will get through it the best I can.